


Missing

by solemnwar



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Emotions are messy and x6 doesn't like them, F/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Institute Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Unrequited Love, and yet here he is with FEELINGS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-04-13 14:45:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14114619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solemnwar/pseuds/solemnwar
Summary: The Director of the Institute has disappeared, leaving no messages or clues behind as to where she went. X6-88 is sent to find her, but he has his own reasons for wanting her back.It was only the search for Shaun that kept Tesla going after losing everything. Now he’s dead, and she finds it harder and harder to find a reason to keep living.





	1. The Director is Gone

            “What do you mean she’s _gone?_ ” Dr. Ayo demanded.

            “It is exactly as I said, sir,” X6-88 calmly intoned, standing firmly in the doorway of the Director’s quarters. “The Director is not here, nor is she in the institute. She has left behind no message as to where she went or how long she’s going to be. You will have to wait for her return.”

            “Really, that woman needs to learn she has a responsibility to this place!” Dr. Ayo continued to rage. “It seems like every other day she’s _indisposed_ or _unavailable_ , with no reason given, and now suddenly she’s not even here? What was the former director _thinking?_ Disgusting use of nepotism...!”

            “If there is nothing else you need, sir, I am going to resume watching over the quarters until new orders are given to me,” X6 said crisply, before closing the door. He almost wished the doors were hinged, so he could slam it in Dr. Ayo’s face.

            Of course, on a logical level, X6 agreed with him. The Director— Tesla, as she always insisted she be called— had shown a remarkable amount of ability when she’d been welcomed into the Institute, and had accomplished more in a few months than many had in _years_. After Father’s death, however, she’d rapidly deteriorated into a mess, drinking late into the night and starting up again whenever she woke up, and it was only through X6’s interference that nobody knew about the alcoholism. After a particularly lengthy argument two months ago, he’d thought he’d gotten her on the right track...

            His mouth set firmly, he walked back to the cabinets and looked into the drawer he’d left open. His eyes had not deceived him— underneath a shirt Tesla never wore were the used syringes and containers of a variety of drugs. It appeared that she’d exchanged her alcoholism for a drug habit, and he was almost _certain_ it was during the time she’d spent in “Nuka World”, a place of anarchy run by raiders loosely working together. He’d been sent away shortly after her forced recruitment as “Overboss”, and she’d been gone for over a month. Raiders were known for their _liberal_ drug use, and with her current mental state...

 _I will give her one more day to return,_ he decided, shutting the cabinet drawer with a loud _crack_. _If she is not back by tomorrow night, I’m going after her._

_And I will find her._

\-  - -

            Tesla didn’t know where she was. The sky was dark, the stars covered by clouds, and she wouldn’t have been able to see more than a few feet in front of her in the best of times.

            As she was currently higher than a _kite_ , this was not the best of times.

            She stumbled over ruined brick and steel, unable to concentrate on where she was putting her feet, not even sure where she was going. She’d tried to read her Pip-boy a few times, but the screen was a blur and manipulating the buttons and dials required more coordination than she could manage.

            Chills crawled up her back; it felt like she was being watched by thousands of eyes, peering from the darkness. As she stumbled along, passing neon signs warped and twisted, into silently screaming mouths and judging eyes, and it started to become difficult to breathe.

            Her foot caught, and she fell forward, landing hard on her hands and knees, skinning the palms of her hands, and knees. Gasping for air, her whole body trembling, she couldn’t move, couldn’t think; it felt like the entire world was closing in around her, enveloping her in a cold, silent tomb.

_Alarms were blaring, a computerised female voice intoning meaningless words amidst the water dripping from the ceiling onto the unbearably cold floor, surrounded by the corpses of everyone she knew..._

            She choked on a sob, forcing herself to move forward, crawling, as if she believed if she just moved _far_ enough she could leave the memories behind.

But no matter what she did, how hard she tried, how far she ran, they were always there to welcome her in a soul-crushing embrace.

            She vomited, shoulders heaving as her stomach emptied itself of bile and what little remained of the chems she’d ingested. Tears and mucous dripped from her eyes and nose as she continued heaving, nothing left to be rid of in her stomach, but her body desperate to rid itself of the drugs running rampant through it.

            Eventually the heaving stopped, but she didn’t feel any more clearheaded than before. Groaning, she tried to push herself up, failing a few times before she was able to sit up completely, staring at her dark surroundings, looking for a sign.

            Tesla heard words, sounding simultaneously close and so very far away, garbled and folding over themselves as her brain struggled to process through the chemical cocktail soaring through it. She looked around, swaying as she did so, trying to find the source, when suddenly hands touched her shoulders, a firm grip, the garbled words continuing.

            Instinctively she lashed out, twisting to shove the creature away, and failing miserably. Staccato sounds as the hands gripped her more firmly, shaking her slightly, and she tried to focus on what was accosting her even as she struggled against its grip.

            Black eyes, ruined skin. A hat, knocked askew; was that from her? _A ghoul. I’m being attacked by a ghoul. I don’t want to be eaten... but since when do ghouls wear hats?_

            She pitched forward, her head slamming into the ghoul’s, although she wasn’t sure if she’d _meant_ to do that or if it had been an accident. Regardless of intent, it did not endear her to the ghoul grabbing her, and as sparks flashed in her eyes from the impact of head butting him, the world spun and the air knocked out of her lungs as she was slammed on her back onto the hard pavement, dazing her.

 _Oh. I know! Hancock! Hancock is a ghoul who wears a hat!_ She felt pleased that she’d sussed this out, although kind of annoyed that he’d body slammed her. _Why would he do that? Oh. I head butted him. Right._

            She still couldn’t figure out what he was saying. “Speak... speak sense,” she mumbled. “And stop hurting me.”

 

            Hancock wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with the woman struggling under him, but he knew he had to get her someplace safe; downtown Boston wasn’t exactly a great place to be having a bad trip. Hell, it wasn’t a great place to have a _good_ trip.

            “Fuck, how _high_ are you?” He complained, doing his level best to pick her up despite her squirming. “Come on, Tes, let’s go. Up and attem. And I swear to God if you head butt me again I’m going to do a whole lot _worse_ , you hear?”

            He wasn’t entirely sure if she’d understood what he just said, but she _did_ stop fighting him. She didn’t _help_ him, either, and he was thankful that they were only a few blocks away from Goodneighbor. _This isn’t exactly how I’d planned my night to go when I’d decided to take an evening stroll... how’d she even get in this state, anyways?_

            Tesla was in no condition to answer his questions any time soon, and he pondered on his next course of action as he slowly drag-carried her to Goodneighbor. _I can’t take her to Amari, not after what she did... Fred’s only advice is “more chems”, which is the_ last _thing she needs..._

            He sighed. Guess he was gonna have to haul her to his room in the State House and take care of her himself, something he’d _never_ thought he’d have to do. She had always been so in control of herself, always on top of things, several steps ahead of everyone else. _Did she get captured and drugged up? I couldn’t see her escaping in this state, but it’s possible. Or they let her go. Or perhaps she did this to herself..._

            But what possible reason could she have to do that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, Tesla is... super attractive right now. You can see why X6 is so desperate to have her back; who could resist?
> 
> Goodneighbor sure is a popular place for Sole Survivor's that are under the weather to show up to, huh?


	2. Nothing Will be Okay Again

            X6 paced within the Director’s quarters, his boots making a soft _click, click_ as he turned. He could be utterly silent when the situation called for it, but he found the sound soothing, something to match his heart rate to.

            He was finding it difficult.

            Night had come and gone, and Tesla had yet to return. On the surface, it would be approaching midday. In the Institute, time was a little murkier. X6 had been quietly getting in contact with the Institute’s various surface-side resources, but no one could tell him where Tesla had gone. Everyone had orders to keep a look out for her, and to send word as soon as they could if she were spotted.

_You are worrying too much_ , he silently chastised himself, one hand clenching the other behind his back as he made another turn. _She has spent far longer than this away from the Institute, even without you being there. There is little to worry about._

            And yet, he still worried.

            Empathy was not his strong suit. He understood that, and even preferred it; emotions were messy and seemed to only serve to get in the way of things. Even so, he understood that Tesla was not well. If she felt that she couldn’t handle her grief...

            His mouth thinned into a grim expression, stopping in the middle of the room. Suicide, while not as common as on the surface, wasn’t unheard of in the Institute. He’d seen a few attempts, both successful and unsuccessful. The thought of Tesla doing something similar was unspeakably unpleasant.

            He decided not to examine that thought any closer.

            X6 mentally ran down the areas Tesla would most likely go. Sanctuary was his first thought; it was her home, the most peaceful of the settlements she’d established with the assistance of the Minutemen, and far away from the lingering remnants of the Brotherhood of Steel and the Railroad. This was the most likely option.

            His second thought was Nuka World, but he dismissed that almost instantly. From what he’d gathered, Tesla and the raider who’d dragged her into that whole mess hadn’t parted on the best of terms. She was surprisingly tight-lipped about the subject.

            He _knew_ she wasn’t in Diamond City, the Institute’s agents would have sent that news along if she was.

_Tesla was also close with that ghoul, the mayor of Goodneighbor. Hancock, was it?_ He rubbed his thumb against his hand, thinking. With Tesla’s current abuse of drugs, the ghoul mayor would certainly be a tempting choice, and Goodneighbor in general would make it too easy for her to procure more drugs, even without the mayor.

            A short sigh passed his lips, and he closed his eyes briefly, centering himself. He had a lot of preparation to do to get ready for his excursion to the surface, if Tesla did not return by the time night fell.

            And he was certain that she wasn’t going to.

\- - -

            Tesla stirred, her mind foggy with sleep and the remaining dregs of her drug cocktail. Her limbs felt like they were weighted down with concrete blocks, and she spent a few minutes just lying there, focusing on her breathing.

            She _should_ have been getting up immediately to take charge of the situation, but she felt curiously _safe_ , wherever she was. At the very least, she could afford a few minutes to let herself fully wake up.

            There was something familiar about the smell of the place. The smell of old, treated wood and furniture mixed with the newer smell of dirty bodies, a faint strain of chems filtering through it. The smell of chems made her mind itch, addiction clawing forward, demanding to be fed, along with the desire to obliterate all those painful memories.

_I’m in Goodneighbor. How..?_ She slowly sat up, her head screaming pounding pain as she did so. She was laid down on a couch in Hancock’s “living room”, as he sardonically had called it. Some of the furniture had changed, but it was still familiar. She slid her legs off the side onto the floor, leaning forward with her head in her hands as she groaned. She wasn’t sure if it was the comedown, or withdrawal.

            Vague memories began to filter through the haze, of being dragged through Goodneighbor’s gates. She may or may not have been fighting Hancock the whole time. _I’ll need to apologise to him..._

            She blinked a few times, rubbed her eyes. There was a bottle of water and some med-x on the table by the couch, likely from Hancock. She gratefully drank the water, suddenly aware of savage dehydration, then eyed the med-x warily.

            She knew the drug use was bad. She took too much, made dangerous combinations. It would end up killing her one day.

_Would that really be so bad?_

            The water had eased her headache somewhat, but it still throbbed painfully as she leaned forward to pick up the chems, her hands shaking slightly as she did so. _My head hurts, med-x dulls the pain, that’s what it’s for, it’s not the same..._

            She stared at the syringe, wishing that it dulled mental pain, too.

            As she contemplated the drug in her hands, one of the double doors leading to the room opened, and Hancock stepped into the room.

            “I see yer awake, Sunshine,” he drawled, kicking the door closed behind him.

            “Hancock,” she said hoarsely, absently putting down the syringe.

            “At least y’remember my name,” he said, hands in his pockets as he sauntered over. “You were pretty fuckin’ high there, Tes.”

            “Guess I was,” she said. _Why do I feel so awkward?_

            “I never took y’fer a chem kinda gal. Never touched the stuff when we ran together,” he said, watching her.

            “I thought I’d pick up a new hobby,” she said flatly. “You made it seem to appealing.” _Why are you being so antagonistic, Tes?_

            He let out a bark of laughter. “A guy like me makes _everythin’_ look appealin’, Sunshine,” he grinned, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “You were a fuckin’ _mess_ , though. Didn’t anyone teach ya not to mix yer poisons?”

            Tesla stood, a little unsteady, uncomfortable to be sitting down while he was standing up. _Too easy to get the drop on me..._ but Hancock was a friend, right? “I wasn’t really thinking about it. I’ll keep that in mind.” _Trying to do a lot less thinking right now, thanks._ “How... how long have I been..?”

            “Passed out in a drug-laden stupor?” He finished for her. “I found ya around... 2 in the mornin’, I guess? You passed out once I’d dropped you on the couch. It’s midday now.”

_I lost half a day? Fuck._ “I... thanks, Hancock.”

            “What’re you doin’ out here, Tes?” He sounded almost accusatory.

_Good question._ “Just... needed to get away for a while,” she said, not quite willing to go into specifics. Not yet.

            “I’m gonna need a little bit more than that, Tes,” he said. “I got people here t’protect, and I can’t have the Institute come crashing in here cuz you pissed them off.”

            She bristled, at that. “I didn’t do anything to the Institute.” _I did everything_ for _them, and what has that gotten me?_ “You don’t have anything to worry about, on that front. I just need a... a vacation.”

            “Why not go to Sanctuary then? Nice an’ peaceful up there, far away from everythin’ that could bother ya.”

            Her skin crawled at the thought. Even before fully throwing her lot behind the Institute, she hadn’t stayed in Sanctuary. She couldn’t bear it, seeing the house she’d bought with Nate in ruins, so close to his eternal tomb...

            “What does it matter, Hancock?” She sighed, looking away from him as she moved past, towards the doors. “This place is as good as any —”

            If she’d continued watching him, she would have seen his change in expression. As it was, she was caught completely off guard when he cut her off.

            Hancock had her against the wall, switchblade lazily swinging in one hand while the other found balance on the wall beside her, trapping her. She was two inches taller than he was, but he was a force of personality, and she was so _very_ tired and broken, he might as well have been 10 feet tall.

            Tesla kept her expression calm, neutral; she’d gotten very good at it under the constant surveillance of the Institute, specifically X6. She kept her eyes on Hancock, but she was very aware of the switchblade in her peripheral vision.

            She remembered Finn.

            “So you fuck off, slum with those Institute guys for months without so much as a hello, then suddenly show up literally out of nowhere,” he said easily, almost cheerfully, in utter contrast to the words he was speaking and the expression on his face. “And yer asking me for... what? Take you up for a bit? Hide you? Why would I do that?”

            Tesla took a slow, steadying breath, not breaking eye contact for a second. _Not making that mistake again._ “We were friends, once. Hoping we still were. We’ve been through a lot, you and I; that means nothing to you, then?” _And, you know, you’ve already helped me out a bit here._

            Hancock chuckled. “That was before you threw your lot in with a bunch of crazies who have little respect to the idea of free will and who want everyone up top to die.” The switchblade spun around his fingers, and Tesla couldn’t help but to briefly twitch her eyes towards it. “That isn’t the sort of thing t’get a guy all charitable, Tes.”

            “And what _would_ , Hancock?” She asked.

            “Hmm, what _would?_ ” His stance changed subtly, but enough, closing in the distance between their bodies, pushing her further against the wall as she attempted, and failed, to maintain a comfortable distance. “You could always spend a few nights with me.”

_Oh for fuck’s sake. He’s fucking_ playing _with me._ “That’s hardly a fair trade, Hancock.”

            She felt the cold metal edge of the switchblade against her cheek, and she kept herself absolutely still. “I could always stop making it a request.”

            She stared at him flatly, impervious and cold. “John,” she said sharply, and he actually _flinched_. “We both know you’re not that kind of man, so stop _fucking with me_ already.”

            The ghoul laughed, stepping back and hiding the switchblade back up his sleeve with a flourish. “Hey, I hardly ever get to play the bad guy, can you blame me?” He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down at his boots as one scuffed at the floor. “I wasn’t bein’ entirely dishonest, though. You’ve been gone an awful long time, Tes, without a word. Like you said, we were friends, once, so why the silence?”

            She finally looked away from him, staring at the thin light filtering through a window to weakly illuminate the room. “Shaun... my son... he...” It still hurt. It hurt so badly, and no one seemed to _care_ about what she’d lost. “He died. Cancer. There wasn’t... wasn’t anything they could do.”

            Hancock looked up. Her voice was shaking, so very uncharacteristic of her. Her eyes were dry, but there was a strange _deadness_ to them that he was all too familiar with. How many people had he seen with that same expression?

            How many times had he seen that expression staring back at him from the mirror?

            “They don’t get it, John,” she said softly, barely above a whisper. “They lost their Director, but I lost my _son_ , that I spent so long searching for, who was ripped away from me after my husband was _murdered_. They had a lifetime with him, I had... I had barely any time at all.”

            “Tes...”

            “It hurts, you know?” She continued, still staring at the window. “Worse than any bullet or stinger. It doesn’t stop, doesn’t heal. It’s just... there, constantly.” She laughed, a dull, wooden sound. “I tried coping, you know. In the worst way. A few drinks before sleeping, just so I _could_ sleep. But I’d wake up remembering, so I’d drink some more.”

            “Tes.”

            “Next thing you knew, I was drinking all the time.” She said it so matter-of-fact, one could almost think she was talking about someone else. “Those scientists, they knew something was up. But I hid it pretty well, so they never figured it out. They probably would have, eventually, if it weren’t... if it weren’t for X6. He helped hide it and cover for me when it was... bad.”

            “Jesus Christ, _Tes._ ”

            “Eventually he got sick of it. Can’t really blame him, I guess. He threatened me, to turn me out to the scientists and expose everything, if I didn’t stop. So I stopped drinking, sure, but I just picked up... worse habits. It’s not hard to leave the institute when you’re the Director, you know? Pop out every once and a while with the guise of hunting down a runaway or recovering captured synths. It’s so easy, I could do it without X6. He was suspicious of how often I would go out without him, so I started buying a lot at once when I didn’t bring him along and hiding it.

            Hancock was staring, shocked at the story he was hearing. This was Tesla, sole survivor of Vault 111, who’d taken on the Commonwealth and _won_ , right? She’d appeared so strong and focused, it was hard to believe there was this much _pain_ underneath it all.

            “Eventually I couldn’t stand being there anymore,” she said dully. “I gathered up some supplies, took a few hits for the road, and chose a random destination to get teleported to. My luck I ended up so close to Goodneighbor, I guess. Or maybe I didn’t, and I just wandered here out of... I don’t know... instinct. I took a lot of drugs before hitting that teleporter, it’s kind of hazy.”

            His decision to take a walk outside of Goodneighbor was certainly turning out to be rather serendipitous. “Shit, Tes, why didn’t you come to any of us? We don’t got any of that fancy Institute tech, but...”

            “I recall very few of you being happy with my decision to throw in with the Institute,” she said dryly. “Piper and Nick in particular had some very... _vocal_ opinions. I didn’t think... I had a place here anymore.”

_Well, fuck, now I feel super shitty for my earlier behavior. You gotta stop with the snap judgments, Hancock my boy._ “Listen, Tes... you’ve always got a place here in Goodneighbor. I can’t speak to the others, but I ain’t gonna kick you out in your time of need.”

            “No, you’re just going to pin me against a wall and threaten me,” she said pertly.

            “Uh, yeah, that was uncalled for,” he admitted sheepishly. “I was just... angry, I guess. Kinda felt you were only dropping in cuz you needed something, after abandoning us for so long.”

            “Well, considering, you’re not totally wrong...” Tesla sighed.

            “I think after hearing about your particular circumstances I’m willing to forgive it. Seriously, you can stay as long as you want.” He paused. “Do you want your stay here secret..?”

            “Not sure how secret it can be, considering a dozen or so people saw you half-drag me here earlier...”

            “You were high as a kite and being very uncooperative, what else was I supposed to do?” Hancock grumbled. “I won’t say anything though, and I’ll make it known that you’re “not here”, if you want.”

            “Thanks, John,” Tesla said wearily. “It’s only delaying the inevitable. The Institute is going to come drag me back eventually. It’s not even that I don’t want to go back there, I just... can’t be there. Not yet. It hurts too much.” She glanced down at her arms. Even though she couldn’t see them, she was very aware of each track mark, and she suddenly felt ashamed of herself for it.  _What am I doing with myself?_  “And I should... probably get myself clean anyways.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random Fun Fact the latter half of this chapter was written before I'd even written the first chapter.  
> You can kinda tell cuz my writing style's changed a bit.  
> I feel bad for X6 since he's supposed to be one of the focus characters but he's barely in it right now lmao  
> Don't worry my favouritest Synth boi you'll be the focus soon enough  
> (you know, in a year when i finally write chapter 3).


End file.
